


Worth Waiting For

by TeamDamon



Category: American (US) Actor RPF
Genre: Bottom Sebastian Stan, Evanstan - Freeform, Explicit Sexual Content, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Multi, Pining, Top Chris Evans, Top Jon, Unrequited Love, but it's also gonna be sexy and have a happy ending, but none of that typical bs, for all involved, kind of a love triangle, that eventually gets requited after all, this is gonna be angsty and dramatic and sad at times
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-11 16:35:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16479092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamDamon/pseuds/TeamDamon
Summary: Sebastian's in love with Chris, but Chris is oblivious. Jon is in love with Sebastian but Sebastian won't let him too close because he knows he'll only hurt him in the end. It's a mess but it's only getting started, and Sebastian's caught right in the middle of it all.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is something I started writing a few days ago and posting on tumblr, and since its decided to utterly consume my soul I figured I'd also post here and see if anyone's interested. My thanks to MorningGlory2 for encouraging me and happily falling down rabbit hole after rabbit hole with me, I love you :D and I love all of you amazing readers as well and I hope some of you like this! And for anyone unfamiliar with Jon, he's a Spanish model/actor that Sebastian's been photographed with from time to time, definitely worth a Google and not just for the sake of a visual for this fic :) Also chapters will be on the shorter side since that's what's working for me lately, but I'm sure some will be longer than others. In other words I have no idea what I'm doing but I hope you guys like it anyway :)

"When you're with me," came the quiet, accented voice at Sebastian's ear, lips kissing lazily along his neck as they basked in the afterglow, "do you think of him?"

Sebastian's eyes fluttered shut, letting out a long breath as Jon held him a little closer, waiting for his answer. "No," Sebastian replied honestly. "You're the only one that makes me forget about him."

Jon paused in surprise before laying a kiss on the back of Sebastian's shoulder and gently nudging him to turn and face him. Seb obliged, wincing a little at the considerable but well-earned soreness in his body, looking into his lover's beautiful eyes and offering him a little smile.

Jon cupped his cheek, stroking his jaw and murmuring, "You know that he is a fool."

Sebastian shook his head. "He's not. He's just..."

"He is," Jon insisted softly. "I would never treat you the way that he does."

Sebastian blushed faintly, eyes casting downwards as he muttered, "I know. But he doesn't... it's not... he doesn't even know what he does to me."

"Which is what makes him a fool," Jon chuckled. "You are not..." he seemed to search for the right word before settling on, "subtle."

Sebastian sighed, wishing that he was. He wished a lot of things were different, mostly that he could fall out of love with the man that didn't love him back, but every time he thought maybe he finally had... he'd prove himself woefully wrong.

He'd had a crush since the very beginning and at first it had been okay, fun even. He had crushes all the time and it was no big deal, but this one had grown out of control right under his nose and it refused to die because life and work kept throwing him and his crush together and not allowing him to move on. Every time he was sure that he had, he'd end up falling headfirst all over again and it was nothing short of torture.

Chris Evans was his friend and nothing more, despite Sebastian's deep desire otherwise. And he'd never be more than that, because despite how he'd flirt back when they got drunk together and unknowingly toy with Sebastian's very soul, he simply wasn't interested in him like that and Seb knew it. But no matter how hard he tried, Sebastian seemed to be incapable of turning off his feelings and moving on.

Instead he dated other men and women, worked himself into exhaustion and went about his life as he ever did. Things would be fine until they weren't, until he'd get a text or phone call and drop literally everything and everyone for the sake of a man who'd never reciprocate his feelings, and then he'd be right back in the same excruciating boat. He hated himself for it but he knew it would never change - he'd always be there for Chris no matter what it meant or who got shoved to the back burner in the process.

Jon knew this and understood Sebastian, never passing judgment or being harsh with him since he knew that Seb was harsh enough on himself. He was a comforting friend and lover to turn to when things got rough, when Sebastian needed to just forget for a little while and feel. He wanted to be more to Sebastian but Seb couldn't take the chance of hurting him the way that he'd hurt others, so for now this was enough. It had to be.

"You deserve better, Sebastian," Jon told him, fingers running through his attractively disheveled hair. "I could give you better."

Sebastian closed his eyes and wished that those words didn't make him feel a pang in his heart. "You already do," he sighed, wishing it wasn't as true as it was.

"But it's not enough," Jon replied, leaning in and placing a soft, lingering kiss on his lips. Sebastian didn't let him pull away, kissing him back and winding a leg over Jon's hip, soaking up every point of contact between them and more than willingly shifting to his back when Jon moved him there.

Jon broke the kiss as he slid on top of Sebastian, letting Sebastian take some of his weight because he knew that he loved how it felt. He cradled Seb's face in his hand, gazing down at him with the kind of affection that Sebastian would never get from the man he'd craved it from for so long.

It was a sweet and terrible agony. Sebastian wanted nothing more than to give in and let this man love him the way Chris didn't, and the fact that he just couldn't made him unbearably angry at himself. What was wrong with him?

"I can't wait forever, you know," Jon told him gently, and Sebastian shook his head immediately.

"I'd never ask you to, Jon," he whispered only to be silenced by a kiss that took his breath away. His hands roamed up Jon's back to his shoulders and back down again, both of them losing themselves to the kiss and hunger as it grew between them once more. It never took much with them.

Jon broke away one more time, just long enough to nudge Sebastian's nose with his own and murmur sweetly, "You're worth waiting for." Sebastian gazed up at him and flushed, a broken smile gracing his pretty mouth before he pulled Jon down and kissed him, neither of them coming up for air this time.

Sebastian _almost_ believed him. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At a party, Jon comes up with a ploy to get Sebastian's crush jealous. It works a little too well.

"No, no, see... no," Chris giggled, making Sebastian smile widely as they sat at the bar together, knees nearly touching for how close they were. "The way to my heart is _not_ extremely up close ass selfies at 4 AM, believe it or not."

"You brought it on yourself, Chris," Sebastian shrugged, grin stuck to his face the way it always was around Chris. "Once you publicly announce that you're an ass man... you gotta know what you're bringing on yourself."

"But from my dog's vet?!" Chris asked, aghast. "Well, vet assistant, but still. Now I gotta find a new one and I really liked that place."

"Sorry, man," Sebastian chuckled. "Though I gotta ask... was it at least a nice ass?"

"I mean..." Chris squinted, tilting his head as he debated this. "It wasn't bad. Not great either. Not nearly as nice as yours, for example."

Sebastian tried not to choke on his drink, blushing and grinning back at Chris even though he kind of wanted to smash his beer glass over his stupid pretty head. It wasn't fair for him to flirt with him like this but he always did when they drank together, and tonight was clearly no exception. They were at a private party at a Manhattan club and though Sebastian had brought a date, Chris had unsurprisingly been monopolizing his time since the moment he'd arrived.

Sebastian knew Jon would understand and wouldn't hold it against him, just like he knew this thing with Chris would go nowhere and he'd just end up frustrated and hungover after all was said and done. But what he didn't know was that Jon had been keeping an eye on him all night and had plans of his own that he'd told Sebastian nothing of.

"Well thanks," Sebastian finally replied, giving Chris the kind of look that even Chris couldn't misinterpret.

"Welcome, babe," Chris winked, and Sebastian had never longed for death so much as he did in that moment.

Death eluded him but his date chose that moment to swoop in and try to steal him away, sliding up behind Seb and placing both hands on his shoulders as he leaned in and asked in his ear, "Did you forget about me, darling?"

"No, no," Sebastian smiled sheepishly, leaning back to look up at Jon as Chris watched. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Jon assured him, giving his shoulders a squeeze before glancing at Chris. "How can I compete when Chris Evans is around?"

Chris scoffed and Sebastian tried not to inwardly explode as he replied, "Nah, sorry, man - didn't mean to steal him from you."

"I couldn't blame you if you did," Jon shrugged, hands slipping down Sebastian's arms. Seb could feel his face getting hot, knowing full well the true meaning of Jon's words. "He's hard to resist, isn't he?"

Sebastian dragged a hand over his face but Chris didn't miss a beat. "Irresistible," he shrugged, gesturing to Sebastian's general presence. Sebastian suddenly longed for death yet again, even more so than before.

"Completely," Jon agreed before taking Sebastian's hand and giving it a tug. "Come dance with me, darling."

Sebastian quickly downed the rest of his drink before letting Jon pull him away from the bar, Chris giving him a tight smile and a small wave as Sebastian staggered off. Jon led him through the crowd towards the dance floor and, after turning around and pulling Sebastian closer to start dancing, Sebastian half-yelled over the lively music pulsing through the room, "The hell are you doing?"

Jon merely smiled and grasped Sebastian's hips, swaying easily and naturally to the beat as he leaned in closer and replied, "Seeing if we can make him jealous."

Sebastian blinked. "Make him _what_?"

Jon rolled his eyes and twirled Sebastian around before pulling him tight against his chest, lips brushing his ear as he murmured, "Just dance with me, beautiful."

Sebastian's eyes flew back towards the bar and his heart skipped a beat when he saw Chris watching them, though he quickly looked away after Seb caught him. Then Jon was moving and Sebastian started moving with him, and the alcohol buzzing through his veins won out over his anxiety in the end. Maybe Jon had the right idea with this, Seb thought, although making Chris jealous would mean that Chris had some degree of real interest in him... and that just wasn't the case. Right?

Sebastian lost his already-fuzzy train of thought when Jon started dragging his lips down his neck, hands tightening on his hips and moving against Sebastian like a dream. He was a better dancer than Seb would ever be and he absolutely loved it, loved the way Jon made him feel and it wasn't long before he had genuinely lost himself and stopped thinking about Chris watching them. Jon, however, didn't.

Jon kept an eye on Chris as he danced with Sebastian, making a show of it and running his hands along Sebastian's chest down to his stomach over his shirt, breathing him in and, after a quick glance to double check that Chris was indeed still eyeing them, reaching up and tugging Sebastian's chin as he leaned in and pressed a kiss to his lips. He could feel rather than hear Sebastian's responding groan, and the kiss deepened as Sebastian reached back and sunk his fingers into Jon's hair.

Sebastian was breathless and his jeans painfully tight when they broke apart. He grinned when Jon placed one more sweet little kiss on his lips before drawing away, and Sebastian's smile only faded when he glanced towards the bar and found Chris nowhere in sight.

His high somewhat broken, Sebastian continued dancing with Jon and looking around for Chris until Jon proposed a break to get them a few more drinks. Sebastian agreed and headed for the men's room as Jon made his way to the bar, feeling a bit overheated and wanting to splash some water on his face. He could feel his brain trying to kick into overthinking mode, embarrassment creeping up on him as he realized just how silly of an idea the whole jealousy thing undoubtedly was.

Chris didn't care. Of course he didn't care. Why would he? Why would he even think twice about it? Why had Sebastian made such a damn idiot of himself for no _fucking_ reason at all just for the sake of -

A strong hand seizing his forearm and yanking him around a corner just shy of the men's room sent Sebastian's head spinning. His back hit a hard wall and he blinked several times before his eyes focused and his heart damn near stopped in his chest.

" _Chris_?"

Chris stared at him wordlessly, brows furrowed and blue eyes fiery as he invaded Sebastian's personal space. Sebastian's mouth dropped open and he felt like he was about to explode, having not even the slightest idea what was happening but not wanting it to end, whatever it was.

They stood there at a standstill for what felt like an eternity but in reality was only a few unbearably tension-filled seconds, until Chris finally broke the stalemate and drew closer and, before he could talk himself out of it, pressed his lips to Sebastian's in a sudden, possessive kiss that set Sebastian's very soul on fire.

It was everything Sebastian had ever wanted and more. Chris' lips were soft and warm and incredible, moving against his like they'd been made to kiss him. Sebastian couldn't get enough, his hands grasping Chris' hair to hold him close as he kissed him back with all the pent-up passion and desperation he'd been saving for Chris and Chris alone for so damn long.

But they had to come up for air eventually and when they did, they panted into the short distance between them and stared at one another, both too afraid to speak and break the spell of the moment. But Sebastian was more than okay with that, his eyes shining as his cupped Chris' face and murmured his name softly, _lovingly_ before kissing him again. They drowned in the kiss, both men completely unaware of the fact that Jon had decided to check on Sebastian and had walked down that hallway and caught a glimpse of them in that corner, hands all over each other and lips locked in a furious and long overdue kiss.

Jon watched for only a moment before casting his eyes down and slowly turning away. His silly little plan had worked after all and he should have been happy about it - he _wanted_ to be happy about it - but he wasn't. In fact, a heaviness fell within his heart that he never would have believed possible prior to that very moment.

And Sebastian was too busy floating straight into Heaven itself to even notice.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Follow me on Tumblr](https://murder-daddy-bucky.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Buy me a coffee](https://www.ko-fi.com/teamdamon)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris & Sebastian spend their first night together and as amazing as it is, Sebastian can't quite erase someone else from his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for the kudos and comments and for reading!! I'm glad some of ya are enjoying this because it's slowly taking over my entire brain :D and as always thank you to MorningGlory2 for her invaluable help & feedback. Hope you guys enjoy!

Sebastian had lived a full and interesting life and had never been one to deny himself pleasures or shy away from intense sexual experiences, but nothing in all his 36 years could have prepared him for the sight that he had the privilege of currently witnessing: Chris Evans on top of him, sitting up and straddling his hips as he took off his own shirt and chucked it to the floor next to the bed, muscles rolling and chest flushed and tattoos on display, the epitome of sex and masculinity and everything Sebastian had ever wanted... and he could _finally_ reach out and touch him.

Sebastian was down to his boxer briefs already, Chris still in his jeans for some God-awful reason, and they had ended up in Sebastian's bed in the throes of passion that he could still hardly believe were even real. But it _was_ real, Chris was real, and so was the mutual desire raging between them. Sebastian had no idea how this could even be possible but fuck if he was gonna question it now.

"Chris," he murmured softly, reaching up and running his palms over every inch of newly exposed flesh. "Fuckin' hell, look at you."

"You've seen me shirtless before," Chris pointed out with a faint chuckle.

"Yeah... but not like this," Sebastian replied, fingertips tracing the dips of Chris' abs. "And I've never gotten to touch you."

Chris replied by lowering himself down and whispering before capturing Sebastian's lips again, "Well now you can touch me all you want."

Sebastian smiled into the kiss and returned it with exuberance. This had to be a dream, it just _had_ to be.

But it wasn't, and soon Sebastian had rolled them over and tugged the rest of Chris' clothes off, finally getting to see him fully naked for the first time ever, and it was a moment he'd remember for the rest of his life. Chris was beautiful all over, a work of art in Seb's starry eyes and desirable in every way a man could be. It wasn't just the tattoos and the muscles and the gorgeous face and the impressive cock that Sebastian ached to feel inside of him, though those were all incredible qualities, but it was also simply just Chris and everything about him. He was so sweet and giving and adorable and easy to love, and _God_ Seb loved him so, so much. Always had, always would. And now he finally got to do something about it.

First he sucked Chris' cock like a starving man, savoring the taste and the feel of him and finding the real thing so much better than anything he'd ever imagined. He started slow and teasing and worked his way up to faster and deeper, sucking down every inch and making Chris moan and writhe beneath him. Hearing his name on Chris' lips and in breathy, deep groans was almost enough to make him come untouched right then, but he held off and focused on giving Chris the best blow job of his life. By the time Chris frantically pulled at his hair to make him stop before it was too late, Sebastian was out of his mind with arousal and quickly slid back up to kiss the hell out of him, grinding down against him and unable to get enough, kiss enough, touch enough. He needed more, he needed -

"Fuck me, Chris, please," Sebastian begged breathlessly, and to his relief, Chris didn't shoot him down or turn away like he'd irrationally feared the minute the words left his lips.

"Yeah, Seb," Chris whispered back between sloppy kisses. " _God_ I want to."

Sebastian's heart skipped, his reckless euphoria reaching critical levels as he broke away only to lean over and scrabble at his nightstand. He knocked something over on his quest to opening the top drawer, and when he peered down to make sure it hadn't been anything important, he paused and felt a sudden pang of guilt.

He reached down and picked up Jon's watch from the floor, setting it back where it he had accidentally left it just the night before. Jon had been incredibly gracious at the party when Sebastian had left with Chris, giving Seb a hug and telling him that of course it was okay that he was leaving with him and that it was the whole reason he'd tried to make Chris jealous in the first place. But while Sebastian believed him, he could also see the shadow of something else in Jon's eyes, maybe a tinge of regret or sadness or... _something_ , and whatever it was, Sebastian hated it and hated how it made him feel. He knew how Jon felt about him and he'd never meant to hurt him, but... _God_ what else was he supposed to do?

His train of thought came to an abrupt halt when Chris grabbed him by his hips and flipped them over, taking the just-grabbed lube and condom from Sebastian's hand and dropping them on the bed as he kissed Seb hard and quickly got them both naked. It was a flurry of hands and semi-awkward shuffling but they got there and once they did, Chris showed no hesitation in slicking up his fingers and getting Sebastian ready for him.

It didn't take long, considering how Sebastian had passed the time the night before and some of that morning, but Chris took his time and was gentle in a way that soothed Sebastian's desperation and distracted him from the guilt that had surfaced just moments earlier. They kissed and touched and Chris left several dark little marks down Seb's neck and collarbone, making him feel claimed in the best way, and by the time that Chris had slipped the condom on and slicked himself up, Sebastian was already so blissed out he could hardly handle it.

"You ready, Seb?" Chris asked softly at the corner of his mouth, lined up but not pressing in just yet.

"I've been ready for so long," Sebastian replied with a soft smile, hands clutching Chris' broad shoulders and legs splayed wide for him.

"You should have told me," Chris murmured, stealing another sweet kiss. "I never knew."

Sebastian sighed and smiled wider. "I wanted to, I just... I was scared and I didn't think you'd wanna -"

"Shhh," Chris hushed him gently, stroking his cheekbone. "I want to."

Sebastian wasn't sure he'd ever felt happier in his life than he did in that moment. They kissed again, slow and deep, and then Chris was slipping inside of him and filling him up the way Sebastian had needed him to for so very long.

It started slow and sensual, Sebastian adjusting to Chris quickly and rocking up to take him deeper, wondering if Chris had been with other men before or not but not daring to voice the question for fear of ruining the moment. Either way it didn't matter and nothing could touch Sebastian's high as Chris groaned against his ear, telling him how tight and perfect he felt, and Sebastian's inner submissive nature was all but glowing. He clutched Chris tighter and begged him to take him harder, and Chris didn't hesitate to oblige.

Nothing about it was disappointing or a letdown, instead blowing all of Sebastian's previous fantasies out of the water. Chris' touch was firm and sure, commanding and dominant as he took the lead and found the perfect angle to hit the right spot over and over make Sebastian lose his mind. His kisses were deep but not too sloppy, just the right side of careless and desperate, and the sounds that he made... Sebastian had never heard anything so sweet and _fucking hot_ before.

This was gonna ruin him, he just knew it.

"Fuck, Seb," Chris moaned through parted lips against Sebastian's neck as his rhythm grew unsteady and needy, both men teetering on the edge and grasping at one another hard enough to bruise. "C'mon, come for me, let me feel you..."

Sebastian could do nothing but obey, one hand on Chris' lower back and the other gripping the back of his shoulder as a shudder tore through his body and his mouth fell open in a gorgeous cry that Chris would never forget. He followed right after, both of them basking in each wave of pleasure until the last one ebbed away and left them curled up together, breathing hard into the night.

Sebastian had never been more content. A part of him could still hardly believe that any of it was real but Chris continued to prove otherwise, taking the initiative and cleaning them both up and even getting Sebastian a glass of water while he was at it. He was caring and gentle with him, and Sebastian didn't even have to ask him to stay the night. Chris simply slipped back in next to him and tugged the covers over them both before pulling Sebastian into his arms, both men falling asleep remarkably easily like that.

Everything was as it should have been at last. Except for that nagging bit of guilt and unease that prickled at the back of Sebastian's mind even as he drifted off to sleep.

\---

The next morning Sebastian awoke to a bright and sunny day, only a minor headache, and the incredible sight of Chris sound asleep on his stomach on the other side of Sebastian's bed.

Sebastian's neck was covered in little marks, his body deliciously sore and a stubborn smile stuck to his face as he laid there and reveled in the memories that they'd made the night before. He knew they'd need to talk it out but that was all right. He was confident that everything would be all right and that maybe - just maybe - this would be the start of something amazing.

The soft sound of his phone buzzing from the floor roused him from those thoughts. He carefully retrieved it without waking Chris, slipping out and back into bed silently with his phone in hand. His heart dropped when he saw the name above his most recent text message.

 _I hope you had a good night_ , Jon told him. _Just making sure you got home safely_.

Instantly, Sebastian's mood dropped from utterly untouchable to conflicted at best. Guilt roaring back to life, he quickly replied, _Yeah everything's fine. Better than fine. I'm sorry about last night but thank you for everything you've done for me_. He hit send before he could overthink himself out of it, then spent the next three minutes staring at his phone and picking apart his every word, wondering why he couldn't be a better man.

He felt like a user, like an utterly abysmal friend, but he still didn't know what he could have done differently. This was what Jon had wanted for him and had assured him of that, and yet Sebastian couldn't help but feel like trash.

 _You're welcome_ , Jon replied. _Are you happy?_

 _More than I can say_ , Sebastian replied honestly, even though it only made the guilt worse.

 _Good_.

Sebastian stared at the single word, chewing his lip briefly before typing, You left your watch here. _We could get lunch sometime and I can get it back to you._

Jon's reply came quickly. _Don't worry about it. I'm flying to LA for a meeting that just came up._

Sebastian furrowed his brows, having been under the impression before that Jon would be in NY for at least the week. He hoped that he wasn't leaving because of him and what he'd done. _Oh okay. I'll hang on to it then. Have a good flight._

And to Sebastian's surprise, Jon never replied. And he typically always replied to everything, even the silliest and most pointless of texts. Eventually he set his phone aside, accepting that no answer was coming and rubbing his eyes as he let out a long sigh. He hated this. He'd hurt his friend, he just knew it, and it wasn't fair. He shouldn't have let it happen the way that it had, shouldn't have gone along with Jon's idea and then ditched him the very moment Chris finally gave him a second look.

But he just hadn't anticipated any of this happening the way that it had. He looked over at Chris, still soundly asleep under Sebastian's covers, and he couldn't deny that the instant warmth and happiness that flooded his heart at the sight of him outweighed the guilt also taking up space. But it just wasn't fair. Sebastian wanted Jon to be happy, too. The last thing he'd ever wanted to do was hurt him, and yet here they were.

He picked up his phone and quickly sent Jon one more text before setting down his phone and snuggling back under the covers, determined to recapture his blissful mood and chase the guilt away.

_I really am sorry. Please don't hate me._

Sebastian had fallen back asleep with his head on Chris' shoulder by the time Jon texted back at last.

 _I could never hate you_.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris and Sebastian's relationship takes a turn that neither of them were ready for. Sebastian picks up the pieces the only way he knows how.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading and following this story!!

For Chris and Sebastian, the aftermath of their first night together proved to be one hell of a honeymoon. They shifted their schedules around and spent the better part of the next week together, having sex until they physically couldn't do it anymore and talking and laughing and watching movies together. It was everything Sebastian had ever wanted and no drug he'd ever tried had ever got him feeling quite as high as that week of sheer bliss had.

But no high could last forever, and reality had to come back into play at some point. It took some time, several months in fact, but eventually they did hit a rather impassable roadblock.

Sebastian knew from the start that their relationship had to be kept secret and out of the eyes of the press, but Chris was far more anxious and cautious about it than he was. He understood, of course, and agreed that they should stay a secret but it made it all that much harder to function like a normal couple when their schedules and careers were already stacked against them. Adding complete and utter secrecy on it left very little wiggle room and they both felt the strain from the very beginning.

But both men being romantics at heart and already close friends, they ignored the warning signs and pressed on until it became too much for even them to ignore. Chris quickly realized that Sebastian was so desperate to be with him that he would make it happen no matter the detriment to himself, and Chris also couldn't keep ignoring his guilt over hiding Sebastian like some kind of shameful, dirty secret. If the world wasn't the way that it was and if Chris wasn't so afraid of the consequences for them both going public then he would have, but he just... couldn't.

And that was okay until it wasn't anymore.

"Seb," Chris sighed on the other end of the line as Sebastian paced the bedroom floor of his NYC apartment, "I didn't wanna do this on the phone. Can we pick this back up next week when -"

"No," Sebastian interrupted, raking his fingers through his hair anxiously. " _No_ , Chris. You brought it up and now we need to fuckin' talk it out."

"Seb, listen -"

"No, you listen," Sebastian interrupted again, wishing more than anything that this conversation had never even begun. "I don't care, okay? I've had public relationships, we both have, and they're fucking hard too. I'm fine with us being a secret, I'm fine sneaking around if it means being with you."

"And that's what I can't get past," Chris replied, and something about his tone made Sebastian's heart drop. "Seb, you shouldn't have to live like this. You deserve better. You deserve somebody who can hold your hand and be your date at premieres, not... not someone who's too scared to..."

As Chris trailed off, Sebastian's pacing came to a halt and he squared his jaw. "Look, Chris, if you want out all you gotta do is say so. Don't have to make up these bullshit excuses to try to let me down easy."

"I'm not - fuck, Sebastian, that's not what I'm doing," Chris replied in exasperation, voice rising slightly. "I want this too and you know that. I just -"

"You're scared, I get it," Sebastian shot back, pacing resuming. "But it's gonna be okay, Chris, I swear."

"You can't swear that," Chris pointed out. "This is just... between our schedules and having to be so careful where we go and what we do with what little time we have together... I don't know, Seb. I knew this wasn't gonna be easy but..."

Sebastian came to a stop again, blinking unseeingly into space as he asked in a small voice, "But what?"

A long pause passed before Chris replied gently, "I told you I didn't wanna do this on the phone."

And that was all Sebastian needed to hear for his heart to break.

The rest of the conversation passed in a blur, Sebastian going through the motions and employing his acting skills to maintain his strong facade until he hung up. The second the phone wasn't pressed to his ear anymore Sebastian's face crumpled and the tears he'd suppressed sprang to his eyes, his emotions overcoming him and leaving him feeling utterly gutted.

They'd lasted nearly four months, and they had been some of the best of Seb's life. The thought of going back to the way things had been before, living without Chris' texts and pictures and voice on the other end of the line, without their visits and weekends together to look forward to... he felt like he couldn't breathe.

More than once he had to stop himself from picking up the phone and calling Chris to beg him to reconsider, knowing that it would do nothing but hurt them both more in the end. He wound up curled up in bed, crying until he couldn't cry anymore, feeling like his heart had been ripped out of his chest.

And the worst part of it was that no matter how badly he might wish he could, he just couldn't hate Chris for doing this to him. He simply loved him far too much, and that would never change.

\---

Sebastian and Chris commenced radio silence in the following weeks, both men working on new projects and almost sufficiently distracted from the heartache following them around. Sebastian avoided any items in the news about Chris, just the mere thought of him making Sebastian's chest hurt and eyes prickle with unshed tears. He didn't know if Chris felt the same way but a slightly twisted - or perhaps completely justifiable - part of him hoped that he did.

Sebastian was filming on location in LA when he was invited to a friend's birthday party at a bar on one of his days off. He hadn't gone out and simply had fun in what felt like ages, so he was particularly eager to hang out and get some drinks in and let loose for awhile. He threw on dark jeans, a white t-shirt and a leather jacket - and an old friend's watch, something he wore fairly regularly these days - and hit the bar with his friends.

Just as he'd suspected, it was just what he needed. He felt lighter than he had since... _everything_ , and laughing came easier the more he drank and chatted with his friends. Chris was the farthest from his mind that he'd been in forever, and it was refreshing.

Sebastian just hadn't banked on glancing across the bar towards another group of patrons and double-taking at a familiar, tall head of dark brown expertly messy hair. He stared for a moment until the man noticed and looked his way, and then they both smiled with pleasant surprise before each excused themselves from their friends and began heading towards each other.

"Sebastian," Jon smiled as he pulled Sebastian into a hug. "I didn't expect to see you tonight."

"Yeah, me too," Sebastian grinned, chin on Jon's shoulder as they embraced. Jon felt and smelled so familiar, his presence an immediate comfort that he hadn't realized he'd needed so badly until that moment. They drew away and Sebastian asked, "What brings you here?"

"Work, like always," Jon shrugged, hand lingering on Seb's upper arm. "You?"

"Same," Sebastian smiled. "Can I get you a drink?"

The glass in his hand nearly empty, Jon agreed with another smile and then Sebastian was leading him to the bar, where he introduced Jon to his friends. They downed a few more drinks as they mingled, their groups combining eventually and some heading off to dance and others calling it a night as it grew later. It was no surprise, then, that Sebastian and Jon ended up at the back of the bar at a private table tucked away in a corner, finally able to catch up alone.

"So tell me," Jon said after Sebastian had peppered him with questions in an attempt to keep the focus off of himself, "how are you and Chris?"

The easy smile that had been stuck on Sebastian's face faded instantly. He looked away from the man seated just inches away from himself on his right and shook his head, muttering, "Didn't last."

Jon was genuinely surprised. He furrowed his brows and lowered his drink just inches from his lips, blinking and asking, "No? Are you serious?"

"Unfortunately," Sebastian sighed, reaching for his water glass.

"What happened?" Jon asked gently. "You were so happy..."

Sebastian took a long gulp of the water and shrugged, staring at the glass. "We just... it was hard. A lot of distance, too much secrecy. We didn't see each other much and he hated having to hide it, felt guilty about it. Said I deserved better." He paused and took a breath, trying not to let his mind sink back into that terrible conversation that had been the end of him and Chris. "So yeah, it's over."

Sebastian's grief showed on his face, plain as day. Jon inched closer and draped his arm behind Sebastian, softly telling him, "I'm sorry, Sebastian."

Sebastian shook his head and forced himself to look Jon in the eyes, his closer proximity making him feel... less lonely for once. He liked it. "It's okay. I mean, it's not. But it's..."

"I was afraid that he would hurt you," Jon admitted. "You love him so much."

"Too much," Sebastian smiled, trying to play it off. "Yeah. He didn't mean to hurt me, but -"

"He is an idiot."

Even after all that had transpired between Sebastian and Chris, his knee jerk reaction was still to defend the man at all costs. "He's not, he just -"

"He is a coward."

Sebastian paused and eyed Jon curiously. "What?"

"The secrecy - why?" Jon asked. "Why hide you?"

"You _know_ why, Jon," Sebastian frowned. "The Internet would break. People would boycott us and our movies. Shitty fuckin' people, but still. And he's such a private person and has a lot of anxiety and -"

Jon simply shook his head. "Sebastian, do you not understand that you're worth all of that?"

Sebastian stared at Jon dumbly. "What?"

"You're worth it," Jon repeated, looking at Sebastian so tenderly it made his heart start beating faster. "Of course it would be hard. So what? Good things are always hard. But they're worth having. And so are you."

Sebastian blushed, opening his mouth but finding no words to answer with. He looked away and struggled for what to say only for Jon to reach out and gently seize Sebastian's chin, making him look him in the eye as he murmured, "Look at me. I mean it."

Sebastian gazed at Jon wordlessly and breathlessly, finding nothing but sincerity in his eyes and feeling his heart ache in a way that finally wasn't painful. His lips quirked up in a little smile, eyes falling to Jon's mouth just long enough for the air between them to shift and grow heated.

Sebastian knew he should turn away, that his wounds were still too fresh and nowhere near healed, and that he needed to finish grieving his short but intense relationship with Chris on his own. But he was only human and the way that Jon was looking at him and touching him was a much-needed balm to his lonely soul.

"What kind of fool would let you go?" Jon wondered aloud, arm around Seb's shoulders tightening and thumb tracing the line of his slightly scruffy jaw.

Sebastian could only blush more deeply and drop his eyes. "Jon..."

Jon tipped his chin up gently with one lone fingertip, then leaned in and pressed his lips to Sebastian's in a sweet, soft kiss. It felt like exhaling somehow, instant comfort flooding Sebastian from the inside out and destroying any hesitations he might have had. Rather than let Jon slip away he kissed him back, reaching out his left hand to slip his fingers into Jon's hair and hold him close as one kiss became two, then three, then more than he cared to count.

Sebastian was breathless by the time they broke apart, his hand slipping down to Jon's shoulder as they stared at each other with a mutual, effortless hunger. The only thing that stole Jon's attention was the watch on Sebastian's wrist glinting under the dim lights, catching his eye.

He took Sebastian's hand in his and smiled as he inspected the familiar expensive piece. "This is mine."

Sebastian could feel the heat bloom once again in his cheeks. "You never let me return it, so..."

Jon grinned at him, licking his lips before leaning in and whispering into Sebastian's ear, "Come back to my hotel with me, darling. Let me make you feel better."

Sebastian's eyes rolled shut and he bit his lip as Jon placed a soft, teasing kiss under his ear. He suddenly couldn't get out of that damn bar fast enough.

\---

On his hands and knees at center of the mess of a king sized bed, Sebastian was flying high and shuddering under the pleasure wracking through his body thanks to the man who was buried deep inside of him. There were lips and teeth marking up the backs of his shoulders, hands all over him and that deep voice spilling curses in Spanish and English, the chemistry between them as electric as it had ever been.

In moments like these Sebastian couldn't fathom why he'd ever look for love or satisfaction anywhere else. Jon knew him so well and took such good care of him, somehow still there for him despite how quickly Sebastian had dropped him for Chris just a few months earlier. Seb knew he didn't deserve him, but Jon seemed quite convinced otherwise.

"Come here, Sebastian, come here," Jon moaned breathless as he straightened up and brought Sebastian up with him, both men on their knees and Sebastian reaching back to grip the back of Jon's neck for support. Jon's rhythm never faltered, fucking into Sebastian with deep delicious strokes that had Sebastian on the verge of howling as Jon breathed against his neck and murmured, "You are incredible, Sebastian."

Sebastian whimpered, hand shifting and sliding into Jon's messy hair as his other hand clung to the arm that was locked across his chest, holding him up.

"So beautiful," Jon added, nose brushing Sebastian's jaw. " _Special_."

Sebastian's eyes nearly welled up with tears at those words, unable to recall anyone who'd ever called him special before. It was so sweet and heartfelt and only made his pleasure intensify.

"I would kiss you anywhere, in front of anyone," Jon murmured, tugging Sebastian's chin until he was close enough to kiss. He kissed him long and deep, just the right side of sloppy before leaning his forehead against Sebastian's temple and confessing, "I will, if you'll let me."

Sebastian moaned brokenly, eyes watering and mind and body overwhelmed. "Jon, _fuck_..."

"I've missed you so much," he whispered in Sebastian's ear, "so much."

Sebastian turned his head and kissed him again to hush him up, only because his heart couldn't take the words and the emotions behind them. They kissed until they reached their breaking point, Jon's free hand wrapping around Sebastian's cock and stroking him until he spilled over with a gasping cry that the hotel walls likely didn't contain. Then Jon followed him right after, holding Sebastian tight and burying his face in his neck as he came just as hard, Sebastian still quaking himself as the last aftershocks left him.

It was exquisite and even better than Sebastian remembered. Jon was a gentleman as always, laying him down after and taking it upon himself to clean them up, not letting Sebastian so much as lift a finger. Sebastian never tried to hide how much he loved it and how much he loved being cared for and spoiled, and Jon seemed to relish providing him that.

Chris had, too. He and Jon were very different in many ways but they both loved taking care of Seb and making him feel good and safe and loved. And Sebastian never realized how much he needed it until he went a long period of time without it.

After they were snuggled under the covers, Sebastian rested his head on Jon's shoulder as his fingertips danced idly up and down Sebastian's arm. A comfortable silence hung between them until Jon broke it.

"I meant everything I said."

Sebastian exhaled lightly and kissed his chest. "I know you did."

Jon nudged Seb to look up at him, fingers threading through his hair as their eyes met. "You deserve to be shown off. To be proud of. I would never hide you, Sebastian."

Sebastian smiled and pressed a kiss to Jon's inner wrist. "I've missed you so fuckin' much, Jon."

Jon smiled back and leaned down to kiss him, knowing that Sebastian meant those words every bit as sincerely as Jon had. Nothing was quite the same without one another.

"Let me take you to dinner tomorrow," Jon proposed after pulling away. "Please."

Sebastian took a breath and grinned, finally feeling better for once and nowhere near ready to say goodbye to that feeling or let Jon go again. He wasn't sure how smart of an idea this was, but... "Like a real first date?"

Jon smiled back and nodded. Sebastian could only let his smile widen before leaning in and pressing a sweet little kiss to his lover's pretty lips.

"I'd love to."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian and Jon take a huge new step together and Chris tries to find a way to deal with it. Nothing goes according to plan.

  
"... And that was when I said no thanks, I'm sure your pet tarantula is really cool but I'll never sleep again if I hold it, so..."

Chris laughed and set down his beer, shaking his head and telling his date, "I don't blame you. I'm not a fan of spiders, I can't do it. Pet snakes or rats, that's fine, but yeah a tarantula might be a dealbreaker."

"Well, and not only that," she added with slightly wide eyes, "he had professional pictures taken of the thing and framed them on his wall. I walked into his living room and took one look and was itchy for a whole week."

Chris laughed again, the genuine kind where he let his head fall back and closed his eyes, and he didn't even have to force it. He liked this woman, a co-star from one of his latest projects, and so far the date had gone swimmingly. It was his first date since he and Sebastian had called it quits and he really couldn't have asked for a better experience dipping his toes back into the dating pool. It was a huge relief to his anxiety, which had been embarrassingly terrible in the days leading up to the lunch date.

But now here he was, eating and drinking and laughing and proving to himself that he was still very much capable of these things and that loving Sebastian hadn't irreparably broken him. He had irrationally but genuinely worried as much from the moment they'd separated, having never experienced a whirlwind quite as intense or life-changing as what they'd had. But now it was over - had been over for nearly two months, in fact - and it was time to move on.

He and his date continued eating and chatting until the check came, at which point she excused herself to visit the ladies' room. Chris paid their bill and checked his phone while he waited for her return, having received a few texts over the last hour that he hadn't been able to look at until now.

 _Did you see this??_ read a message from his best friend. He clicked the link beneath those words and watched as a well-known and credible gossip site loaded, not a single cell in his body even remotely prepared for what he was about to see.

His eyes glossed over the headline, immediately drawn instead to the numerous photos of Sebastian and another man, a familiar one, walking the NYC streets together. He scrolled down a bit more and felt his heart drop and sink in his chest when he saw three pictures of them walking hand in hand, all at different angles. Sebastian looked so damn happy, smiling and ignoring the paps while Jon was looking right at them, a proud smirk on his face.

It was hard to not take it personally, or to wonder if that smirk was directed at him specifically. But any conspiratorial thoughts flew out the window when the pictures became even worse, the mere sight of them leaving Chris feeling sick and devastated.

Sebastian and Jon had hugged and kissed each other right there on the street, in front of the paps that they obviously knew were there, like it was no big deal. They looked so damn good together, both dressed warmly and causally, Sebastian with that damn gray hat of his and Jon looking amazing with his stupid hair and a cigarette in his hand as they shared a seemingly short but Internet-breaking kiss. More photos showed Sebastian pulling away smiling wide and Jon cupping his face with an equally happy smile, Chris' eyes drifting next to a blurb directly underneath the photos.

“ _Sebastian Stan is looking cozy with Spanish model Jon Kortajarena in New York on Thursday. The shots were clearly candid as the pair were in SoHo shopping, stopping for coffee and a small bite. They were even photographed kissing in broad daylight. Looks serious for these two handsome men!”_

His stomach turning and threatening to eject everything he'd just given it, he scrolled a little bit more and read how Sebastian had posted to Instagram just a few hours after the pictures hit the internet. His post consisted of a picture of Jon from a distance, walking down a crowded sidewalk with his hands in his pockets, and Sebastian had captioned the picture with three emoji hearts - blue, pink, and purple.

Chris stared at his phone with such force and horror that it was remarkable it didn't simply  
shatter in his hand. He didn't take his eyes off of the pictures until the voice of his returning date jarred him back to the present.

"Ready to go?" she asked with a smile, picking up her purse. He looked up at her and her smile instantly faded as she noted how pale and anguished he suddenly looked, asking him, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," he lied, hand shaking as he locked the phone and nearly dropped it. "I'm just - I've gotta - something came up and... my... manager called and I need to - can we reschedule?"

".... Oh," she blinked, the poor woman nodding as if that was totally fine when Chris damn well knew it wasn't. "Sure. Yeah, no problem. Just - are you sure everything's okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, everything's great," Chris nodded, standing up and banging his knee noisily against the table, gaining the attention of a few other patrons. "I just - I gotta go, but I'll call you and I'll make it up to you, I promise, okay?"

He barely waited for her to agree before reaching out for a regrettably awkward arm-squeeze and then bailing like his life depended on it. Grateful that she'd taken her own car to the restaurant, Chris didn't hesitate to make a beeline for his own and throw himself into the driver's seat where he could fall apart in peace.

He grabbed his phone and pulled up those pictures again, as if he needed proof that they were real and not a strange hallucination. He even went to Google to verify the story from other sources, and once he did the reality of the situation finally sunk in. The pictures were real. Sebastian and Jon had gone public. Sebastian had _fucking_ come out as bi on his _fucking_ Instagram page.

And all Chris could think was how it could have and should have been him at Sebastian's side, not Jon. Not anyone else. It was supposed to be him and it would have had Chris not been such a damn coward and let his fear get the better of him. He knew better than to do that, knew that decisions made in fear were never the wise ones, but he'd chickened out all the same and broken Sebastian's heart in the process. And apparently Jon had been there to piece it back together, remarkably quickly.

He wished that he could be happy for Sebastian but he just... couldn't. It felt like his heart was being squeezed in a vice that he had zero control over, unaware that he was crying until a teardrop hit the screen of his phone and landed right on top of Sebastian's happy, smiling face. He winced and tossed the phone into the passenger seat, gripping the steering wheel and not fighting the agony he felt inside. He let it out, dropping his head and letting himself cry and hurt, knowing he had no right to feel the way that he did but unable to stop from feeling profound anger at Jon and a degree of possession over Sebastian that he just didn't have.

It should have been him, but it wasn't. He'd missed his chance and now Seb had moved on to someone better than Chris, less afraid, less hesitant, less of a fucking letdown in every way possible. Jon had been there before Chris and he was still there now, taking care of him the way that Chris could have had he not fucked everything up.

He cried until the tears stopped coming, convinced once again that he really was broken and unfixable after his and Sebastian's romance. The fact that those pictures could completely wreck his date and his entire day like this, sending him into a stricken spiral before he could even catch his breath, was all the proof he needed that he wasn't over Sebastian. Not even close.

Maybe he'd never be. It was no less than what he deserved, he told himself.

\---

_A few days later_

" _Oh my God_ ," Sebastian moaned, biting his lip and exhaling hard as he writhed on the bed, watching his cock disappear in Jon's gorgeous, expert mouth over and over again. Jon was so fucking good at this and he made a show of it every time, making sure that Sebastian could never take his eyes off of him, and Sebastian couldn't get enough.

Jon peeked up at him, messy hair falling on his forehead and lips wrapped around the tip of Sebastian's cock as he sucked on it hard enough to make Sebastian's thighs quake. Jon pulled off and smirked as he pinned Sebastian's hips to the bed, chiding him before diving back in, "Stay still, _mi vida._ "

Eyes briefly rolling shut at the little nickname, Sebastian reveled in not only the pleasure being heaped upon him but of the control that Jon exerted over him. He was more than happy to submit and thrived under Jon's gentle domination, the two of them exploring that dynamic more in recent weeks now that they were serious. Sebastian reached down and brushed the hair off of Jon's forehead, slipping his fingers into those locks and holding them, not tugging or pushing but hanging on as Jon sucked all of him down and made him gasp.

Sebastian only managed to hold out another moment or two before he was shaking and spilling in Jon's mouth, overcome with pleasure and letting out the kind of sounds that he knew Jon loved, knowing better than to try to hold back. Jon eased him through it and swallowed everything Sebastian had to give him, licking him clean and then kissing up his body as he laid there coming back down to earth.

But Jon didn't give him long to recover, kissing his lips and slipping his tongue between them to let him taste himself before pulling away and telling him, "On your knees, Sebastian."

Sebastian scrambled to do as he was told, rolling over and turning around on his hands and knees as Jon knelt in front of him. Sebastian wasted no time in licking his lips and then returning the favor, gripping Jon's cock in his hand and taking him in his mouth. Jon held him by the back of his head, watching him and guiding his movements, knowing how much he loved it and how much he blossomed under his control.

Sebastian sucked him off hungrily, pouring every ounce of his focus and attention on making Jon feel as good as he'd made him feel. Jon praised him through it all, sometimes in English and sometimes not, every word warming Sebastian from the inside out and making him feel proud and good. He loved feeling that way and loved doing this to Jon, loved the feel of him and the taste of him and the sounds that he made. Seb was good with his mouth - for both men and women - and he always had been. He'd never tire of looking up and watching Jon lose his mind, his already beautiful face simply stunning in the throes of pleasure.

Sebastian kept at it mercilessly until Jon pulled him off suddenly, teetering on the edge and Sebastian immediately understood, a shiver racing down his spine as he realized what Jon wanted. He started stroking him fast and firm and Jon held his head still, keeping his face just a few short inches from his cock so that when he finally came with a deep groan, he came all over Sebastian's face and neck. Sebastian caught what he could on his tongue and let the rest cover him just the way Jon liked, and Sebastian would have been lying if he'd said he didn't like it too. It was filthy but it also left him feeling claimed and valued, and it was worth it entirely for the sweet and heated way that Jon looked at him after.

Sebastian also enjoyed the routine after, of Jon getting a warm towel and cleaning him up, cleaning his face and neck and chest in an almost reverent sort of way. He liked to pepper kisses along his skin and whisper his name and how good he'd been, how incredible he was, and Sebastian was sure he'd never get used to such amazing treatment. Once he was clean Jon held him and they collapsed in a tired pile together at the end of the bed, their feet up by the pillows, bodies sated and still drawn together like magnets.

All of that and it wasn't even noon yet.

Sebastian snuggled into Jon's chest and threw his arm over his waist, Jon kissing his forehead and telling him softly, "You're going to kill me one of these days."

Sebastian smiled up at him. "That good?"

"The best," Jon smiled back, cupping his cheek. "I don't want to leave."

"Shh," Sebastian hushed him. "S'not for another two days. Don't gotta think about it yet."

"It's hard not to," Jon replied. "I'm going to miss you." He smiled. "Too much."

"Me too," Sebastian murmured. "But we have FaceTime. Texts, calls. And if everything goes according to plan, I can fly to you in three weeks."

Jon nodded, pausing for a moment before leaning in and kissing Sebastian until they both forgot what they were talking about. This was the norm for a relationship like theirs, constant distance and flying back and forth and making the very most of the time that they did get together. It wasn't easy but it was worth it, and their careers intersected geographically more than they didn't.

They'd be fine, Sebastian was confident. They didn't have to hide anymore. They were out and no longer a secret, free to see each other as much as they wanted without having to worry about who saw.

Coming out and going public had been terrifying and exhilarating and amazing all at the same time. Sebastian had gone rogue to do it, ignoring the objections of his manager, but the results thus far had been overwhelmingly positive. Both he and Jon had received a massive outpouring of support from fans and friends and colleagues all alike, outweighing the negative responses by a mile. For every Internet comment that he was either making it up for publicity or destined to burn in hell with all the other sinners, there were five more in heartfelt support of him.

As far as he knew, anyway. He had been careful about what he read in those following days, choosing to focus on the positive for both his sake and his boyfriend's. And perhaps most important of all, Sebastian's mother couldn't have been happier with him or more supportive.

It had been the right decision, without a doubt. And Sebastian couldn't have asked for a better partner throughout the entire process than Jon.

They laid there and snuggled together, chatting and kissing until hunger got the better of them. Jon volunteered to get up and wrestle up something in the kitchen for them, leaving Sebastian to enjoy the comfort of his bed and climb under the covers with his phone while he waited.

He didn't expect to find no less than three separate people texting him the same tweet.

Apparently some hack from a cable news network had run a negative story on Sebastian's coming out and then tweeted about it, asking, "Are these the kind of heroes we want for our children?" along with a link to the segment. But that wasn't what was so noteworthy - a certain reply to it was what his friends had seen fit to blow up his phone for.

" _Sebastian is exactly the kind of hero I'd want for my kids. He's the sweetest and most genuine person alive and I'm a better person for knowing him. So do us all a favor and shut up and fuck off."_

Chris Evans had tweeted that exactly 33 minutes ago. Sebastian read it five times before it fully sunk in, stunned at first but then... _God_ he suddenly couldn't stop smiling.

They hadn't spoken since that terrible phone call that ruined everything, but that tweet was all Sebastian needed to see to know that Chris didn't hate him like he feared he might. He had wondered what Chris' reaction to the news would be and hoped like hell that it wouldn't hurt him, and now that Chris had addressed it in some form, anxiety he hadn't even realized he had began to dissipate.

He took a deep breath, hesitating for only a moment before pulling up his texts and finding his old thread with Chris. He started typing before he could stop himself.

_Thank you for what you said. Means a lot._

He didn't expect Chris to answer at all, much less within all of 30 seconds but that was exactly what happened.

_Of course. And I'm really happy for you. Proud too._

Sebastian exhaled deeply, unable to deny the warmth that spread through his chest upon reading those words. He responded with a simple _thank you,_ then quickly added, _we're still friends right?_

 _I sure hope so_ , Chris replied. _I've missed you_.

_Missed you too. So much._

"What are you smiling so much about?"

Sebastian's head snapped up to find Jon strolling back inside the bedroom, bearing pizza and drinks as Sebastian quickly set his phone down and shrugged. "Oh, nothing, just..."

Jon squinted at him with a grin and set the food on his nightstand, climbing into bed and telling him, "You know you're a bad liar. Tell me."

Sebastian hesitated but only for a moment, realizing he was being silly. "Chris, he, um... he tweeted about me today, defending me against some asshole on cable news. So I just... I texted him thank you and he answered." He paused, carefully watching Jon for his reaction. "First time we've talked since... you know."

Rather than being angry or put off by this, Jon smiled. "Oh. Now the smile makes sense."

Sebastian cringed. "Be honest - does this bother you? Because I swear if it does then I won't text him."

Jon shook his head, brushing off his concerns. "He is your friend, yes? You love him. I would never try to tell you who you can and cannot talk to."

"Pretty much everyone I've ever dated has," Sebastian shrugged.

"Well... that's why they are your exes," Jon pointed out. "I trust you, _mi vida._ And I want you to be happy. It's all I want."

Sebastian stared at him in wonder for a few seconds before shaking his head and sighing, "My God, you're fucking amazing."

Jon grinned and leaned in for a short, sweet kiss, then reached past Sebastian for the pizza he'd brought in. "I'm also starving. Here, eat."

Sebastian took the plate that Jon shoved into his hands and wondered how the hell Jon was even real. He'd gotten so incredibly lucky with him and he told himself in that moment that if he ever did anything to jeopardize their relationship, he'd get the words _world's dumbest fuck_ tattooed on his ass.

Luckily he kept that sentiment to himself, otherwise there was a slight chance he would have had to put his money where his mouth was when he did indeed jeopardize their relationship all of two and a half weeks later.

Sometimes he really was sure that he actually was the world's dumbest fuck.

\---

Sebastian and Chris started texting more regularly in the next few days, getting on like they had before everything had gone to shit, and Sebastian felt a huge sense of relief at things being semi-normal between them again. They might have crashed and burn rather spectacularly as a couple but they were still friends first and always would be, and Sebastian never felt quite right unless things between them were okay.

Jon jetted off to Europe for a new project while Sebastian stayed in NYC reading over scripts and meeting a director who was interested in him, trying to line up future work while taking something of a breather. He and Jon Facetimed daily and were the highlights of each other's days, both of them missing the other terribly by the time two weeks had passed. But by then Seb's flight to him was only a week away, and then they could spend 7 whole days together before Sebastian had to return.

Everything would have been fine had Chris not made an unexpected trip to New York three days before Sebastian's flight.

He was there for work plus an interview and photo shoot, and when Sebastian asked if they could grab lunch Chris had said he was booked too full and couldn't swing it. Sebastian figured that was for the best, unsure if he was really ready to be around Chris like that again and especially not in a group setting. They'd catch up some other time, he was sure. He wasn't worried.

And he definitely wasn't expecting Chris to show up at his apartment late one night buzzed and looking like the unfairly delicious human personification of every bad decision he'd ever made.

\---

Sebastian stood in the doorway, holding the door open and freezing in shock at who was on the other side. " _Chris_?"

Chris, leaning against the doorway on one arm and wearing a white t-shirt at least one size too small underneath a black leather jacket, bearded and more fucking beautiful than any man had the right to be, looked Sebastian in the eye and replied quietly, "Hey Seb."

Sebastian had been half asleep and was in comfy sweatpants and a ratty old Rutgers shirt, blinking at Chris as he struggled for words for a moment. "You - its - are you okay? It's like... midnight and -"

"I know, I know," Chris nodded, tone apologetic and almost slurred, just enough to let Seb know he'd definitely been drinking. "I'm sorry. Just wanted to see you."

Sebastian knew he should have sent Chris back to his hotel and told him to come back when he was sober, but he was so stunned by Chris' sudden presence that he operated on instinct and let him in. He was flooded with Chris' familiar scent as he walked inside, and he took a moment to steady himself before closing the door and turning towards Chris.

He swallowed, looking up at Chris and then down at the floor. "Chris, I really don't think you should... be here..."

"I know," Chris said once again, running a hand through his hair and furrowing his brows. "And I'm gonna be embarrassed as fuck in the morning but I just... I've missed you so fuckin' much, Seb. And I had to see you before I go back home."

Sebastian sighed, giving Chris a small and exasperated sigh. "Should have just taken me up on lunch, then."

Chris laughed. "Yeah. I lied about that," he admitted sheepishly. "I wasn't overbooked. Just too nervous about seeing you again. After everything."

Sebastian's smile faded. "It doesn't have to be like this, Chris," he said gently, taking a step towards him. "We've been friends so damn long. Doesn't gotta be awkward."

"Well... me showing up like this probably doesn't help," Chris shrugged.

"Probably not," Sebastian chuckled. "But you're here now, so... can I get you a drink or some food maybe, or..."

Chris shook his head. "No, I just... I'll go. I'm sorry."

"Chris..."

"I shouldn't have come, I'll just -"

Sebastian gently grabbed Chris' arm when he tried to dart around him and make for the door, both of them coming to a halt and Sebastian telling him, "Relax, Chris. I'm glad to see you again. I am."

Suddenly much closer now, Chris' eyes met his and they both seemed to hesitate, aware of the shift in proximity. Sebastian let his hand drop but it didn't stop Chris from looking him over like he was the single best and most mouthwatering thing he'd ever seen in his life. Sebastian felt like his skin was on fire, eyes falling everywhere but on Chris as he flailed inwardly with no idea what to do.

Chris lifted his right hand and paused only briefly before laying it on Sebastian's shoulder, gripping it firmly. " _God_ I love you so much."

Wincing like Chris had just driven a stake through his heart because that was exactly how it had felt to hear him say that, Sebastian shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut. " _Chris, fuck_ , don't..."

Chris reached both hands to Sebastian's face, cupping it and trying to persuade him to look at him. "But I do. I _do_ , Seb. I can't stop thinking about you no matter what I do. I can't date, I can't... can't do anything anymore because it's all shit compared to you."

Sebastian gripped his arms, not pushing him away and not pulling him close either, still refusing to make eye contact. " _Stop_ , please."

"Seb, look at me."

Against his better judgment and every ounce of willpower in his body, Sebastian peered up at Chris and immediately wished he hadn't. Chris looked so hurt, so sincere, and so horrifyingly lovesick that Sebastian couldn't begin to even process it, let alone know how to handle it.

Chris leaned in and pressed their foreheads together, thumbs stroking Sebastian's cheekbones. "I'm sorry, baby."

Sebastian didn't know what he was apologizing for. Could have been for the way that they broke up, or maybe for showing up here tonight or for holding him the way that he was, and ultimately it didn't matter because this was not okay. He felt powerless to stop it, too weak to pull away and push Chris out the door, his heart a jumbled mixture of pain and guilt and more love than he could ever contain.

They shared the same breaths, caught up in the moment together until Chris brushed Sebastian's nose with his own, whispered one more quiet apology and then did something he had no right to do. He kissed Sebastian, pouring himself and all of his love and desperation into it, and Sebastian let it happen because he'd never fallen out of love with Chris and he simply lacked the inner strength to stop it.

They kissed like their lives depended on it, Chris' hand slipping into Sebastian's hair and Sebastian's arms winding around Chris' shoulders as they melted together. It was desperate and sweet and heart wrenching all at once, the familiar tastes of each other making them both high and lost to the moment. Both of them so determined to make sure it never ended, their lungs burned by the time they finally broke for air.

They pulled away panting, heat rushing through their veins and bodies demanding more, but all it took to break the spell for Sebastian was opening his eyes and realizing what he'd just done. He blinked once and then shuddered in horror, muttering brokenly, "Oh my God..."

"I'm sorry," Chris said for the third time, still cradling Sebastian and gazing at him like he was nothing short of the love of his life.

But this time a wave of self-hatred gave Sebastian the strength he needed to push Chris away, shaking his head. "No. No, Chris, get out. I can't. I can't do this."

Chris' face fell. "Sebastian, please, I just -"

"No," Sebastian repeated even though it ripped his heart in half to say. He turned around and gripped the doorknob, opening the door and hanging his head as he muttered, "Please leave."

Chris stared at him for one long, agonizing moment, and if he had waited just a few more seconds Sebastian's resolve might have broken. But he didn't, instead casting his eyes downwards in shame and trudging forward, pausing when he reached the door to say something but nothing came out. Instead he and Sebastian shared one last painful, tentative look before Chris forced his eyes and feet forward, leaving the apartment. Sebastian quickly slammed the door shut and then crumpled back against it, sliding down to the floor as tears of shame clouded his eyes.

Arms crossed over his knees, Sebastian let himself cry and mentally berated himself for being an utter piece of shit. He'd done a lot of things in his life that he wasn't proud of but cheating had never been one of them, not even in his younger and stupider days. But now he'd gone and done this just a few days before he was set to see Jon again, and he had never been more unconvinced that he was undeserving of a boyfriend as loving and amazing as Jon. He'd done so much for him and treated him like a king since the beginning, and this was how Sebastian chose to repay him.

He was never gonna forgive himself. And he didn't expect Jon to, either.

**Author's Note:**

> [Follow me on Tumblr](https://murder-daddy-bucky.tumblr.com)
> 
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